... that's what I feel like today.

First the unconnected complaining rant though: This has been the worst few days yet in my pregnancy. I've been relatively bad symptom free for the entire 8 months so far! On Monday, my feet and ankles were the same beautiful things as always. Tuesday morning I had no ankles, and my feet looked like balloons. I hear they stay that way now... great. I know I'm huge... really huge. I had an appointment today and I've put on 7 pounds in two weeks! I didn't do anything bad these two weeks! If anything, all the workout from moving apartments should have kept weight off! I haven't been eating as much either... I'm so peeved. Now I'm puffy and fat. I'm so ready to be done with pregnancy.

I always feel like a failure when I see graduation pictures of friends, but today it was even worse than usual. I would have graduated with them. The people that were my closest friends now don't probably even consider me a major part of their college experience, but they were the most memorable part of mine. I went to five colleges, but it is that one that I consider as my "college experience." I don't think I'll ever actually get a bachelor's degree. I can't finish anything, truth be told. I've been working on a medical transcription course off and on for a year now... I'm scared to keep working. I'd be terrified to finish. I know we need the money that would come from me working. I just feel like a dead weight. Why can't I just complete things like normal people?

Well, there are many things about pregnancy that women are prepared for by the other women we know and the books we read. However, there are many things about pregnancy that one can NEVER be fully prepared for even if they have heard of it before. For example, my entire body is no longer working towards my own best interest. It has switched sides and is now making everything perfect to accommodate the small boy growing in my womb. I have to work harder to keep my teeth healthy since he sucks up my calcium. I have to eat healthy because he sucks up my vitamins and nutrients. He kicks my bladder, my hormones have gone crazy, and let's not even get started about the way that my reproductive organs change! Granted, I am glad that my body is getting prepared to care for the baby after birth as well, it's just that it kind of freaks me out to look in the mirror and see that certain things have changed color and size.... And my belly! I know I was fat before, but I haven't actually gained more than 6 pounds so far. What I've done is stay healthy and let the baby take over my abdominal area... so my belly is now round and protruding, but no one knows if I'm pregnant or just dressing to hide my belly less! Except Andrew, of course.
And let's be honest: there is never a moment in the day or night that I can forget that I am pregnant. If I'm not really hungry or thirsty or craving grapefruit (or some other fruit), I have to pee, I am uncomfortable, I have gotten extremely clumsy, and if that's not enough, there are plenty of nudges from within to remind me that everything I say is being heard by someone who has newly formed his sense of hearing and memory. He may even be working on developing an understanding of language already!
And even if it is my kid, it's a bit like an alien invasion! I mean, the baby acts like a parasite to my body! We're both fine and healthy, but why can't this be more of a symbiosis? I know why: I can't need him in that way. We aren't partners. I provide everything. He makes me uncomfortable and sometimes grossed out with my body. But then he'll kick me and I'll smile and talk to him about how much I already have fallen in love with him and how I can't wait to meet him.
For those who have previously known me, it is acknowledged that I have pretty severe mood swings. Well, let me tell you, pregnancy hormone changes make that look like nothing! So much of the time I feel completely alone. Andrew can't really understand what I'm going through. He's a guy.... He tries to be supportive though. He gives me massages and reads the pregnancy books and avoids the foods in the apartment that are designated as MINE. He helps me get comfortable to sleep. He buys me random presents to cheer me up. But he can't keep in mind all the changes my body is going through. It doesn't occur to him that I can't do everything I did before. And when I wanted to eat nothing but spaghetti for a month, he had trouble with it. He's more worried about money and how we'll be as parents. Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful that he's worried about being a dad. I know he'll be a great one. But I have to worry about being a good mother AT THE SAME TIME as all this pregnancy stuff.
Sometimes I love being pregnant. I feel more beautiful and sensual than ever before. My body finally seems to make sense. It's amazing to be a part of a miracle and to feel the life inside me getting stronger and becoming more independent. He has a separate sleep schedule now!
I wish I had friends out here in Colorado I could hang out with. Last night I was so lonely. Andrew was home, but he had fallen asleep on the couch (he works nights) and I couldn't find my Age of Conquerors disk... I just wanted to cry because my back hurt and I was bored and lonely. But I'm never alone now, either if I'm referring to God or this baby. He changes every aspect of my life.
I'm more than halfway through this. I'm wearing clothes that for the first time in my life feel like they were designed specifically for my body. I feel beautiful 2 out of 3 days (the other day I feel like a whale). I'm looking forward to every aspect of motherhood (except the lack of sleep). And most days, I love being pregnant. All I'm saying is this: there's no way to prepare yourself for it emotionally. There are creepy parts as well as the wonderful parts.

Andrew and I are all settled into our new home city, and I am beginning to get used to the rhythm of our life together. It's wonderful to be married... usually :) I really do love this city. It has so many more opportunities to be unique and to be yourself than my old tiny town did. Last night we went to a dollar theater to watch Star Trek... again. We've fallen in love with a brand new old fashion soda shop across town, and we've gotten plugged in with a couple of Catholic young adult groups. I think we'll be very happy here.

Matt and Rachel are coming over tonight to take me out for my birthday ( a week late, but who cares )! I'm excited to show them the apartment. It's weird; I didn't think I cared what people thought, but for once I really want someone to be impressed with me. It's been a long time since I felt like I had done anything worth being proud of, but I like the way my home looks.

There's not too much else about myself that I feel is worth being proud of. Do I really have anything to offer? But rather than wallow in that thought, I'm going to pick my writing back up. I didn't have much energy for my memoir when I was engaged, but now is the time for me to truly shine!

Life is good... always (even when I can't see it)